A Meaningful and Grateful Year

I suppose before I really make up my mind to wrap this year up, I should conclude that myself have had a very wonderful year witnessing many new comings bringing change and new hope. Coping with it is very challenging but interesting because learning is a never stopping process around change.

I would love to round the year off with one word - "GREAT".

And I surely look forward to entering the new year with faith.

Wishing everyone a GREATER year ahead!

Fear

Often in my experience the feeling of fear likes to speak out very loud whenever there is a thought of doing something arises.

When looking straight into this very feeling I realized it is always 2 things that really contribute to its power - (1) our previous bad experience; (2) our pessimistic prediction.

We are well-tamed by thoughts of "believe me, I've been there, it will never work", "are you out of your mind?", "who do you think you are? others would have done it if it's gonna work" etc.

So basically we know "let's do our best within the frame. Don't overboard and don't be stupid trying to be different. Get assimilated and live like everyone else".

I am not pushing for breaking the rules, neither am I motivating doing things disrespecting the universe. What I am saying here is "what is your belief in achieving your target/goal?"

We have our dreams.

Experiences are only meant to remind us "you've tried this way before but unsuccessful. Find out why it did not work and try again until you get it". All we need is to push a bit harder every step of the way, refine our methods and we will definitely reach our dream.

As for fear, that's for coward who thinks he does not deserve winning.

Christmas Dinner

A few years ago, I had the first dream Christmas dinner, at home. We bought those little little lights and decorated our very plain and nothing special dining room into a yellow-lighting-warm-feeling place. Cooked a few dishes (can't remember precisely what we had) and 2 turkey drumsticks. Oh yeh, 2 drumsticks you heard me alright. First, (let me assume you're about to ask me "WHY?") because we have never cooked a whole turkey before; Second, we do not have so many people to bite that big bird ("big bird" always remind me about the big yellow creature in Sesame Street); and Third, IT'S VERY EXPENSIVE!

So we got this marinated turkey drumstick and serve it along with the whole table of other dishes.

Oh ya, that is also the very first time I tasted Guinness Stout, the one people call "black dog" (in Hokkien. Don't ask me why they call it a black dog. I don't know).

Four of us spent a very peaceful and full of cheers dinner. And we have prepared too present to exchange. So how did we get the right present? Easy, we first have draw (like the lucky draw) to see who is our target the present is for, then get the present that we think is most suitable to give. None of us know who got our name, so we were practically waiting for the night before Christmas to find out.

I bought a belt because Joie was looking for one (and of course I just got his name out of the hat); and got a set of bath towel+face towel+hand towel from John (my baby brother). So who was the other one? MOON. A good friend of ours (well back then she wasn't taken and so did my baby brother so we were sort of spending the loving Christmas together). Moon got a chain-neckless, very much the hip-hop style, for John; Joie got a book with the title that resemble Moon's nickname (given by Joie. He call her Fishball-Moon coz she loves fishballs).

============

Couple of years later, today, we had the Christmas dinner at home, again.

But John and Moon aren't around this time. John is on duty, and he would not be joining us too even he's around. He isn't single anymore.

We ran into Moon when we went for last minute food shopping in the evening. We asked her if she has anything going on for the night and she shook her head. We invited her to come but she rejected us.

So we have a 3 person Christmas dinner this year, with my dad (mom's not feeling very well and was resting in the room) but without beautiful lightings (coz I misplace them) and not so much of laughter because it is always with friends we get to feel the ambient (coz my parents aren't our type of funny).

My dad practically spent all his time eating his own food and blah when someone's at the door wanted to see him.

Anyway, I still enjoyed the dinner because I like the feeling of being hugged by comfort and ease. To me Christmas is a time of the year to get close with our love ones and share the moment counting the blessing and cherish the bond.

Merry Christmas everyone. Hope you have a very wonderful and loving Christmas, wherever you are...

What is My Special Gift?

No joke, I believe that everyone is a genius in some way.

When I was younger, I would look up on those who score very beautifully in school. They are always named as "role model" because they always get flying colors. I did work hard to make myself like these people but somehow the circuits in my head just failed me.

So I looked for something else.

I went through the school days, pretty much on, finding "what do I do good?".

I did not do flying colors in exams - TOP STUDENT, GONE (although I like learning new things); I did not do extremely well in sports - ATHLETE, GONE (although I gained my ideal height playing basketball and tanned body with swimming); I did not become the extra popular person in student council or co-curriculum (although I joined the drama club wanted to build charisma but end up diving in my favorite cooling pool) - LEADER, GONE.

Ok, there goes the label "I am ordinary".

So what? (Aww yea, that is typically the no-hope kind of person, or "loser "in short) I did not meet the standard expectation, I admit that. But does that mean I don't deserve my life? Or make me any less important? Or worthless? (you can nod, LIKE I CARE!)

My point is: life isn't just about meeting people's standard, nor becoming who/what others wanted to see. I can be nobody, but hey I am still here, doing my best to shine (can't you see that?).

So what have I found in myself? What is my special gift? I am still exploring, actually. But up until today, I found that I am being myself, hardworking-ly learning to become a better person.

I don't want to be a smart person (if only I could), I don't want solely being what others think as "wooh! ahhh! wahh!"

I may not be significant. But if I am able to see my true self and making my best effort to progress bit by bit, that is good enough already. Because at the ending days it is how I can confront myself without feeling ashamed and I know I have never wasted my life.

==========

Each of us is born with a specific genius that was bestowed upon us so we can do out part to make this world a better place. All of us have a role that we are uniquely suited for. Imagine our planet without trees, oceans, or clouds. In this same way, when one of us does not develop our use our special gift, a cosmic void takes place.

This unique talent of ability may be hidden from our own sight like a golden treasure buried under shifting sands. Often we spend so much time dazzled by the talents of others that we can overlook our own gifts. It may even be that our unique ability is something we view negatively. Perhaps we find it difficult concentrating on any one subject for long; meanwhile others are thrilled by our ability to weave various ideas throughout our conversations. Or, we might think of ourselves as frivolous when it is likely our charming approach to life casts a light of inspiration that others cannot help but follow. It is important for all of us to try to find our special gift and discover how we can best express it. Ask others to name what they think is your most overlooked talent or character trait. Their answer may change your life.

Explore these riches that are ours to express, and we may find ourselves helping others discover and develop their own blessings. Acknowledge and appreciate the gifts we see in those around us. Our unique gifts are like golden rays of expression that can encircle the world with light.

==========

So what is My trait then? I don't know. Perhaps you can help me with this?

Self Certainty

I can't make people think the way I do. Neither can I make them feel the way I want them to.

Being able to tell precisely what I feel and mean inside helps me to be more convincing. Thus some people say I am able to talk their heart out, about where they find it difficult to put their thoughts into words.

So my capability in expressing feelings sometimes become the way people find certainty.

But is it supposed to be that way? I may be nailing the exact thought but what does that really mean? I am not extra-talented or extra-special than anyone. In fact, I was not quite a good student throughout my study years and my grades were mostly hanging in the air. Most of my relatives see me as a super-duper-ordinary person with no hope in achieving anything great in life, only graduated when I was 26, and with a 3rd grade degree.

Pathetic is it not? Even so, I still believe in one thing: I can be slow, I can be stupid, I can be nothing to everyone, but I have one quality that I am proud of: always seeking. To me, learning has no limit, neither time nor age. What matters is: DO YOU LIKE TO LEARN? DO YOU ENJOY LEARNING? ARE YOU WILLING TO ABSORB LIKE A SPONGE?

Paying attention to the inner self and start seeing the hidden glow, that's what I do. In fact, that is what I practice too when I am with other people. I like to understand how things are made up and how that affect the way we carry ourselves in life. That's why I get to catch how the heart feel when they try to express themselves.

What makes all these? I believe is self certainty. Unlike being proud or arrogant, one who is certain about the self finds it easier to locate own quality, regardless is it bad or good.

No one is perfect in this world so the last thing to do is to become so withdrawn from digging into the heart and soul to look for the true self. Let not the pride holds back the power of humility.

Be certain, because fearful and doubtful thoughts will partner up with reluctance to eat and destroy the real potential.

==========

Boosting confidence could help us react to people more positively. If we can allow ourselves to see that everyone in this world is part of the same energy, meaning that everyone is equal in the eyes of the universe, we might be more able to recognize that while in theory someone else may have power over us, but in reality, we are both one and the same within the realm of the universe. Once we understand that we are valid and essential part of this world, we can develop greater confidence in ourselves.

No one ever has true control over us for we are in charge of our thoughts, emotions and our self-concept. It is easy for many of us to put others on a pedestal and be intimidated either by their station in life of by their talents. If we can see t hat we also give as much to the world and that the power someone has over us us simply based on our mind's reaction to it, we are more able to stand up for ourselves. Knowing that as a human we have unlimited potential.

Fulfilling Pursuit

I suddenly recall this movie, The Pursuit of Happyness. Yep, there is nothing wrong with my spelling. It is not happiness but happyness. A real story based on the life of *Chris Gardner.




The will is strong (guess that's why Will Smith is the best candidate to play the character) and nothing ever came in the way can slow him down to reaching success. What really matter is these series of events are actually the stepping stone to make a potentially-successful-person to realize the self worth before really becoming a star.

So life places a lot of hurdles. Is it trying to make us fall; or rather telling us to always keep our head above the level and look ahead, so that we are always prepared to jump higher and farther?

When we touch the ground, is it DEFEATED or PICK YOURSELF UP that really become the only thinking?

I found this:
Infuse life with a sense of purpose which in turn would help to feel the things we are doing contribute to the world in some positive way. Assess which of the activities we are engaged in are actually things that add to value to our life and those of the people around us. Try to take a few minutes to reflect on how the things we do make us feel. We may notice, for example that even though we feel animated by some of your activities, they might not make us feel completely fulfilled. Contemplating this and perhaps even changing what we do could bring an added sense of worth to the way we spend your time.

Becoming aware of what we do with our time allows us to use it much more wisely. Sometimes it might seem like being busy is the best way to feel connected with the world, and because of this we might fill up our days with random activities that ultimately do not have much meaning for us. When we are more conscious of our pursuits, though, we begin to realize that it is much more important to do a few things conscientiously than many things haphazardly. Engaging in things that give our life meaning will truly energize and excite us.

Meet Chris Gardner...

(ahh... notice that? he has watch on both wrists! What does that mean to you?)

Let's hear him talking.

Pt 1


Pt2

Push Yourself to the Limit

I do not know since when and from where I learn about believing in the unexpected potential. It is like deep down inside there is a flame burning and giving me the heat that every time I have challenges and obstacles standing before me it will start making me feeling all heated up and ready to become fearless.

It is much more like a self-ignite mechanism that trigger by itself whenever I am faced by blockage and I will do all I can just to push that wall down. Slowly did I realize: whether to push that wall down or walk around it is a matter of choice. In tasks, I always take the pushing; while in people, I've learned to take the latter path.

But deep down inside I believe in CONQUER.

It is either one way or the other to do it but most importantly: I've made it through and got rid of it successfully by never stop trying until I am over and beyond that problem.

Everything that comes in our face is meant only for one thing: to make us better.

My spirit fights.


p/s: I have come across these very interesting readings about pushing yourself to the limit.
(1) Pushing Yourself to the Limit
(2) Pushing Your Limit

Is It Difficult or Is It Not Trying Hard Enough?

This question popped into my mind and I took a deep thought about it. And then I start to wonder: What's easy anyway?

Every time we do something that we have never done before, we struggle. It is pretty natural because we still have not master it. With every effort we put in, we will see how we have grown with that dedication we hold strongly towards things.

We tend to prefer the kind of lifestyle whereby easy work but with great return. However, the truth is: if that's something practical, try picturing the mankind in Wall-E.

Is it difficult? IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE, SO TRY HARDER!

Life That We Want

Me and my aunt was having this conversation in the car the other day. She was more like talking to herself but somehow she decided to make this thought available to me.

"What is it that we are here for? MONEY, everyone is working badly to make a life."

I replied, "Well not quite, I think. Money is meant to make a living, but it does not make life".

We yearn for money because we need to satisfy our living, which is piled up mostly with things we want than we need.

"EASY LIFE" perhaps is the term we commonly use these days.

While there are still many poor people having bad times putting food on the table; the rich are heart aching on their shrunk wealth over the lost on investment (which means they are still having huge amount of money) and the middle class people chased by the killing credits (by overspending the future money).

What is it that people here for? PAYING.

So if we make this an equation, saying:
Living = Money
Life = Paying Money
thus Living Life = Money Paying Money

Guess my aunt is right about the definition of LIFE.

But, I'd say that it is not applicable to the total definition of LIFE because it is only "the life that most people want to live / choose to live".

So, if we want/choose a life built with satisfaction through tangible achievements, we ought to make it clear to our mind because it is after all OUR CHOICE.

We make our choice and responsible for it.

Don't you think so?

Doing The Right Thing

I am feeling helpless because I wished I could show support in terms of making a significant contribution of effort in work and things. But I am still asked to stay back in giving strength and providing mind challenging thoughts and spirit awakening call only instead.

The exact opposite situation, on the other hand, whereby the determination and dedication to "get up and make things happen" is happening at the other side to transform a rather soft and tender person to become aggressive in all pursuit.

What I do best is no longer a tough thing to do, so what I need to learn is to move into things that I could not master to enrich myself.

Getting out from what-know-well and venture into new learning is not easy. Especially the earlier part. The idea of abandoning all the common knowledge & skills and start making attempts to do things that does not really promote comfortable feelings is difficult. But looking at the benefits and results to become a better person, all the hard work and challenges worth the work. After all, life itself contains a huge amount of content of things to learn, and this process of ongoing learning has no limitation of whatsoever. For as long as you are keen to learn, you are always being welcomed by more new things.

Balancing the clear thoughts with compassion is even more demanding. But for sake of better future, I am moving forward with no hesitance and no regret.

All it takes is just determination, commitment, dedication and persistence.

SUSAH TETAPI BOLEH!

Fully Committed To Now

I came across this thought some time ago: If BOSS already know what's lying ahead of us, knowing that things will not work out because of the reason ahead, why'd she wants us to go through the things and end up not reaching the goal?

Well, obviously the universe heard me.

I received this article few days ago (reading taken from Daily OM).




Fully Committed to Now
Why We Are Not Shown the Big Picture

Sometimes, we may find ourselves wishing we knew what our lives are going to look like or what gifts and challenges are going to be presented to us in the coming months or years. We may want to know if the relationship we're in now will go the distance or if our goals will be realized.

Perhaps we feel like we need help making a decision and we want to know which choice will work out best. We may consult psychics, tarot cards, our dreams, and many other sources in the hopes of finding out what the future holds. Usually, at most, we may catch glimpses. And even though we think we would like to know the whole story in all its details, the truth is that we would probably be overwhelmed and exhausted if we knew everything that is going to happen to us.

Just think of your life as you've lived it up to this point. If you are like most of us, you have probably done more and faced more than you could have ever imagined. If someone had told you as a child of all the jobs and relationships you would experience, along with each one's inherent ups and downs, you would have become overwhelmed. With your head full of information about the future, you would have had a very hard time experiencing your life in the present moment, which is where everything actually happens.

In many ways, not knowing what the future has in store brings out in us the qualities we need to grow. For example, it would have been difficult to commit yourself to certain people or projects if you knew they wouldn't ultimately work out. Yet, it was through your commitment to see them through that you experienced the lessons you needed to grow. Looking back on your life, you would likely be hard pressed to say that anything in your past should not have happened. In fact, your most challenging experiences with their inevitable lessons may have ultimately brought you the greatest rewards. Not knowing the future keeps us just where we need to be fully committed and in the present moment.


Now I understand. ^_^

A Beautiful Sunday, Ain't it?

Went to bed quite late last night, so the early morning photo shooting session went down the drain because he couldn't have the heart to wake me up after seeing me in such a sleepy look. But my sleep was not long enough, at least not as long as he expect me to have because I got a sms from a friend asking if I would like to have breakfast together.

I looked at my watch, great, I practically have extra 30min in bed only.

It was great to have someone asking for breakfast, especially it's a Sunday morning. So I replied the sms and got up.

Got home about an hour later and it is too late to go back to bed because I have a full tummy and the sun is kinda friendly enough to keep people very warm. Read the newspaper for a while and realized "wow, time flies. It's lunch!"

I wasn't feeling hungry but he is, and so does John who just woke up.

We've decided to go across the bridge to have yam rice and since John has to catch the flight only in the evening so we thought of spending some time having fun visiting the new shopping mall.

Spent about 2 hours there and we moved on to another mall.

By 5.30pm, I already like a dead fish. Whoa, how can some people just shop and shop and shop none stop? I was totally like pass out as soon as I sit in the car because the tiredness and headache were driving me nuts.

Sent Shirmein home in order for her to catch family dinner and we went on to have curry fish head before sending John to airport.

Quite a fulfilling day, isn't it? Ya, with the whole journey wrapped up with John's long waiting just to develop a photo from his phone which he gives up finally because apparently the flight back is more important than waiting for the shopkeeper to reboot the machine!

Whew................. 9 plus, and I am going to sleep already! Good night everyone.

My Writing Isn't Deep, See?

Ever heard of this blog-reading-level test? Well I was reading one my friends blog and he mentioned about the thing.

Since some friends told me that my blog's always filled with deep thinking thingy and always find it a little difficult to understand what I am trying to say (I still think it's because of my language instead of the content being deep. My friends are just too kind to hurt my feelings), so I check my level.

Here goes, the result. It proves that I am not deep and, yes my friends are kind enough.

And then I tried using my Chinese blog to check, guess what I get.

Whoa, really different wor!

(p/s: sorry, no advertising, I take off the link of that site)

Sweet Tooth

Good things are better when shared.

It's true.

We don't often do desert but this one is really something different, much more because we have good friend around and we could do more laughter together.

So we went to this well-known pancake shop during tea time and satisfied our sweet tooth.

It might have been just like another ordinary Saturday afternoon, except we have lots of fun together.

That was an awesome afternoon we had.

My best buddy - Joanne the F.U.C.K.

Last weekend was a great one because my best friend since college time came to spend it with me. After so many years we've left the college we are still in endless topics to talk and joke. We kinda know what each other will say and definitely have no problem laughing all the way through. And Joie always repeating, "no wonder you both are best buddies".

Too bad her trip did not start well. She told me she had diarrhea in the morning (and she really could not hold that "door" tight enough to wait till she reach home. Ahh, yes, something just happened as what you thought), mistaken 2.30pm as 1.30pm, rushed to the bus station and the bus to LCCT was delayed, reached the airport but the flight was delayed too.

I waited to have dinner and end up having supper with her.

She was like "don't make me start again" when we were talking about the whole journey.

Of course I burst into laugh.

Basically we were like Siamese Twins for the 2 days, except I let her sleep alone in my bed and I take my brother's (and he has to go somewhere else). She said she snore, and she did on the second night.

She left on the 3rd day, having another god d*mn delay taking that red "everyone can fly" plane. And she said "that's it, no more flight with this stupid company".

It seems her trip did not end too well too.

But I am glad that she enjoyed her stay.

So did me and Joie.

Photography

Quite a while ago, I went to visit reverend and one thing that he mentioned that day actually trigger a very careful and thorough thought of mine.

"Photography isn't a good thing to do".

I did not say anything.

I listened all the way and went home to digest this statement he said.

After months, I saw this posting that Jenn made. It's about the conversation between her and reverend.

She asked, "how does one reads as well as letting go at the same time?"

He laughed and replied, "A good mind is a mind that works like a sieve, it is able to retain the things it needed and sieve away the ones it does not need. More importantly, a good mind - is one that is able to remember what it wants to remember and forget what it wants to forget. A photographic memory is not exactly that good to have as many old people suffer at their ending days because of their 'good' memory."

So I make the attempt to link the two plots together, trying a different understanding about the saying of "photography is not a good thing to do".

And then I think I know why reverend defined photography in such a way.

Often our head is filled with memories, just like the snapshots we take with camera. And then over and over they come out to play with our emotions either via some reminding incidents or recalls through looking the pictures.

It is true that the triggered emotions kill. Because whether smiling with tears or having grudge toward pains, we are still overwhelmed by emotions, which generates the feeling of not letting go and eventually end up in suffering.

However, I would quote reverend's word "sieve" in my opinion on valuating photography. We must not let the mind to allow photographic memory to dwell on the pains; rather to take the pictures as medium to tell the truth about life so that the emotions and feelings can flow through the veins without holding back.

Photography does not have to be solely on capturing people, it does not have to be the hook for memory to cling on nor the anchor that sinks all the feelings right to the bottom of our heart. It could be used as a very effective way in the Buddhism path - seeking the truth of life. It is very much like the "detachment" that reverend once told me - we would be able to see more when we are able to see not from our own point of view.

And I realize that both me and reverend are actually looking and defining PHOTOGRAPHY from different angle! He is emphasizing on the impact of photograph on people (suffering) while I am putting photography as way of explaining life so we can learn to detach.

Suddenly I wonder: what would happen if these two thoughts were put together?

It's a great lesson that I've learned from reverend's talk.

Amitabha, sadhu sadhu sadhu!

caption: taken during the Buddhism Charity Dinner
(what do you see in this photo?)

The Journey of Life

I guess everyone has their own preferred way of expressing their feelings and thinking.

And I must admit I am quite into looking at the spiritual side of our life.

I like to think.

I was having tea with a friend who come back for only 2 days. He said, "going to your blog is, comfortable while enjoying the songs you post; but understanding the postings is difficult".

My bad, for not taking care of the visitors' feeling. (*smile)

So let me try something different - speaking with pictures instead of words.

These photos were taken on a Sunday morning at the open fiend near Bayan Lepas International Airport.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you,

The Journey of Life

Sieve

We often take in too much for both the physical body and also the brain, and forgot to pass the excessive out. So, we tend to end up bloating most of the time because it is so difficult for the body and mind to digest so much with that very limited little room.

And then, diseases come to attack, penetrating the unprepared busy body and soul.

Isn't it true that all illnesses are what we asked for?

We shall, however, practice what Venerable JiXing said, "a good mind is a mind that works like a sieve, it is able to retain the things it needed and sieve away the ones it does not need.

More importantly, a good mind - is one that is able to remember what it wants to remember and forget what it wants to forget."


Sparing the room isn't wasting life. We can't get hold of anything when we are full.

Thank you Jenn, for that very meaningful quote.

The thin line between 2 different thing

I was flipping among the channels on Astro the other day, and I came across this movie called "Whisper" (ok, not that sanitary pad's brand). It's almost come to the end of the movie already but somehow the scene just caught my attention.

The lines go like this:

Roxanne: what are you?
David: I'm angel.
====
David: I'm just getting started here. Poor Roxanne, she thought I was an angel. You can't kill an angel.
Max: a demon, maybe.
David: Ah, but a demon is but an angel who fell. Like you are gonna fall, Max. Don't look so sad, killer. You're on the winning team now. No commandments. No guilt. I was sent for those that are desperate...I come to them when they are weak. When their lives are hopeless. When those they love reject them. I come to them, whisper in their ear, and I can be very convincing.
Max: Why, David? Why all this?
David: Casting for souls, Max. That's what I do.
Max: And me? What do I do?
David: You're as weak as the rest of them. So, be a good boy and put the gun to your head. Do it or hear my voice every moment of your life. It was a good game, Max.

Well said.

What's the difference between angel and demon? Likewise, what's the difference between good and evil; or winner and loser? What determines the answer?

The light cannot exist without the company of shadow and darkness will be broken by a shed of light. Similarly, isn't it so that falling and rising are connected?

But I guess we get to choose the side we want.

Although we can't stop ourselves from falling sometimes (so that we get to rise up again), but don't dwell with darkness or stay in the shadow for long. It drowns, and sinking just isn't the answer. Why not? Because the negative has no life. Instead, it takes away the reason of living.

Believe me, I've seen that and I'm glad I pulled it through before it sucked me in.

Cast the light and let it be the guidance, not the shadow.

Slow and Progressive moves

Sometimes we tend to get overwhelmed by the knowledge and things we experience around us until we forgot about learning from other beings. The being I am referring to here, is other living beings besides human.

I was watching this movie titled "My Dog Skip", well it's almost 3 quarters done, and I realized myself weeping.

Narrator: "Old Skip had helped me through the struggles of boyhood. But his job was far from done. I almost lost old Skip that day. Even as he was sleeping on the operating table, he was still teaching me. That day, I became a young man. Why, in childhood and youth, we wish time to pass so quickly. We want to grow up so fast. Yet, as adults, we wish just the opposite. I received a trans-atlantic call one day. "Skip died", Daddy said. He and my mama wrapped him in my baseball jacket. They buried him out under the elm tree, they said. That wasn't totally true. For he really lay buried in my heart. "

We learn when we pay attention to things. We learn when we respect other beings, as if they are talking straight in our face saying, "hey you, listen. Don't you just presume and think you know everything".

My weeps were not just for the lines I heard that day, but also for an old woman that we all have loved and who'd taught me so much during her last days.

It has been almost four months she left me, but just like the narrator said, although I buried her right beside my house, but she is indeed lay buried in my heart.

I learn that love for beings live in the heart of patience and tolerance as well as understanding. And knowing too that slow and consistent progress is actually the key to reaching beauty - the true beauty of life.

Capturing the moment of truth

A couple of weeks ago, I was with him at this photo-shooting session somewhere near International Airport. I wasn't a part of the activity that day, so I was wandering around having my own fun with his camera while he's guiding a group of people participated that activity.

I know very very little about photography although I do enjoy making pictures in my eyes and my head come visible in that snapshot. He encourages me to explore, using my heart to see things while learning the skills and technical knowledge bit by bit.

All others were flashing lights over their model that day, whereas I kept quiet and feel the surrounding with heart and listen to the breeze around me.

And then I see this, the moment of being one self, naturally.......



Honestly, I like it.

Cooking

There are altogether 3 librans in our house - me, my younger brother & my youngest brother. One very commonly known character for a libran is they are very extrovert, love having fun with many friends and don't fancy much staying home.

My younger brother is a big libran - both in terms of his size and also lifestyle. He'd have nightlife hanging out with friends for drinks and clubbing till 3 in the morning.

The youngest one is a big part of libran - not in size but good at socializing with just about anyone he encounters.

However, as for myself, I think I'm the lamest one. I can get along with people/stranger, but I am not good at it. I do have fun activities at times, but more often I prefer laying back at home doing reading and/or blog writing.

Anyway, we three do have one thing in common - we like to dine together, very much because we love cooking, so we need stomach to help us finish the dishes. Honestly speaking, I am still not the good cook as my two brothers, but I like to retain the traditional tastes of my grandma's cookings and so I am in charge of preserving the memories (and they can't beat me on this because they are more towards EXPLORATION and EXPERIMENTAL on trying new recipes, their own creation).

My belief is to make trying-new-things expedition with the consistent growth of mastering the traditional and original.

Am I being too conservative?Well, tell me when you've tried my Jew-Hoo-Char, Curry Chicken, and Bak-Nkee.

There are always points of ponder

Let's do some reading before I continue.

The story goes like this:

Older Version - The ANT works hard in the withering heat all summer building house and laying up supplies for the winter. The GRASSHOPPER thinks the ANT is a fool and laughs & dance & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ANT is warm and well fed whereas the GRASSHOPPER has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

(I bet everyone's familiar with this story. Let's move on to the new version)

Modern Version - The ANT works hard in the withering heat all summer building house and laying up supplies for the winter. The GRASSHOPPER thinks the ANT's a fool and laughs & dance & plays the summer away.

(here comes the interesting part)

Come winter, the shivering GRASSHOPPER calls a press conference and demands to know why the ANT should be allowed to be warm and well fed while the GRASSHOPPERS are cold and starving. The medias show up to provide pictures of the poor GRASSHOPPER next to a video of the ANT in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The majority of the Parliament stunned by the sharp contrast.

"How can this be happening? How can the poor GRASSHOPPER be allowed to suffer?"

Mr. Kairee stages a demonstration in front of the ANT's house; Naziri goes on a fast along with the other GRASSHOPPERS demanding that GRASSHOPPERS be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Most of the other GRASSHOPPERS' relatives ctitizise the government for not upholding the fundametal rights of the GRASSHOPPER. The local newspapers and the Internet are flooded with online petitions seeking support to the GRASSHOPPER (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).

Since complains and voices are everywhere, the Deputy Prime Minister immediately passes a law preventing ANTS from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty amongst ANTS and GRASSHOPPERS. Hisapmudin makes "more special reservation" for GRASSHOPPERS in Educational Institutions & in Govornment Services to help preserve GRASSHOPPERS competitive.

The ANT's, however, fined for failing to comply with 30% sharing and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes. Its home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the GRASSHOPPER in a ceremony covered by Majoo xxx. Prime Minister announces to the whole country that this is part of the NEP and all have to respect, no question ask and to follow without choice.


........many years later.........

The ANT has since migrated to the great land of freedom and set up a multi-million dollar company, while many GRASSHOPPERS still end up dieing of starvation despite reservation somewhere on the land where their rights are well protected because of losing lot of hardworking ANTS and also because of still continue in feeding the GRASSHOPPERS with all the resources the Government can give, the land remain a developing country.

ALL BECAUSE THE ANTS ARE STILL DOING THEIR WORK...hmmphh!


========

Pathetic? What have you learned from this? I easily find this smile on my face and in my heart after reading this story. I must salute to this group of living for always having a good reason to be what they are good at and always having very great blame on things.

Aren't we all equally given the same amount of time? :)

Dharma & Nirvana

At some point, this topic actually came into my mind and I had a serious thought about it. Obviously I am still working on my task everyday, and bit by bit I realize: the big picture about accomplishing a life's duty or mission is something very clear and firm yet seem rather vague if to be put into words.

So perhaps the understanding about teachings isn't really so much about knowing what it's all about. The closest about understanding what it is all about that I can express using words is: life of no specifically stated value.

When there's no good there'll be no bad. But how to reach no bad or no good, shall I say "let valuation go and do what you can to make this world a better place"?

Share with me your thoughts~!

The Length, Width and Depth

I am once again given the opportunity to think about life, when I heard my aunt was dying of 3rd stage cancer. She has never been close to the family, probably because she finds herself distant after so many years of living away from home, after she's sent away adopted by other family. Grandma said the family was too poor to support, but I think the one being given up would cry inside, "why me? Do you not love me anymore?"

I do not know much and I can't explain because that's the earlier generation's situation, which I can't compare and comprehend with my time.

I was at her place when I attended my college life. She offered a place to stay and so both me and my brother moved in. It was only a semester and I've moved to another relative's place (the never ending moving life that I had since 7). I get to know this aunt pretty much when I was at her place. Probably because I am a girl and people always claim girls to be more close to heart than boys, I get to listen to her. She shared her pain and her heart showing how much she wanted and how hard she worked to complete the broken part of her life by really striving her best to build a loving family. But things just didn't really happen as she'd hoped for. Hurdles and obstacles keep coming up and she's slowly fading even she tried so hard to pull them together.

I do not know how to describe precisely what kind of impression and lesson has her life taught me, but I think the most important thing is:

We cannot determine how long we live, but we can decide how we want to live through it and making sure we learn every step of the way.

It is her funeral today.

I hope she'd lived through the one that given her many precious lessons and so to move on to a better one.

Thank you Aunt Gladysce, for sharing your life with me. Although I was rather young during then, but all the things that you've shared will remain to be valuable wisdom throughout my life.

May you rest in peace.


A Tribute to: Aunt Gladysce, 1960-2008

Wantan Mee

It's the 16th of the month for Chinese calendar and our house have roasted chicken, roasted duck and also roasted pork because we pray TaiSuYa (God of the ghosts, for the 7th month of Chinese Calendar). We tend to have these 3 meats every 2nd and 16th of the month so I am thinking of something different to eat for lunch than always take meat+rice only.

We need veges - CHECKED.
We need something more interesting than only rice - CHECKED.
We must still eat those meat - CHECKED.

Wantan Mee + YaoMak + Roasted Pork + Roasted Chicken Drumstink + Wantan

Anyone?

Medical Report

I was having a conversation with an acquaintance from my last trip to Daen Mahamongkol. He's a CFP and he told me that nowadays about 80% of Malaysian-Chinese populations are covered by insurance (compare to 600% in Japan, wow).

That triggered the thought in me about the medical insurance that I (finally) signed up about a year ago.

I'm kinda slow in making this effort, I know.

Anyway, the procedure of signing a policy is always medical reports and doctor's report and bla bla bla so I of course need my doctor to help me with that.

Ok here comes the beginning of the ongoing application procedure thingy, which means I am still not covered by the insurance company after a year of application - the report from my doctor.

He wrote in my report saying that he's discovered I have some nodules around my thyroid and I'm advised to remove them (or I've removed them according to his advice). I went to another doctor, who's a surgeon, for another advice and I was actually given the option to remove the nodules up to my preference because my T3 and T4 level are normal and the nodules aren't toxic. So the surgeon said, "If you want me to have your spare money, of course I'll be very glad to receive them. After all this is a very simple and easy operation where I've done so many times. Otherwise just leave it" (what a nice doctor).

So I of course decided not to lay on that operation bed!

I went back to my doctor about the test results and he agreed to that advice too except he still prefer I to remove those nodules since they are near my trachea and they may affect breathing if they ever grow bigger.

My agent came to ask me if I've went through any surgery removing the nodules and I said no. Now see the conflict here? DOC SAY YES (in here earlier report) I DID REMOVE BUT THE POLICY HOLDER (which happens to be me, in the case) SAY NEVER.

Who to believe? And so the insurance company suspected that I am hiding some truth and decided to pass my policy without covering anything related to my thyroid that matters.

But the point is: how can I admit if I have never done any operation?

The agent then ask me to get that surgeon to write a report to verify. And I finally got my report yesterday.

It says I am not suffering from either Hyperthyroidism or Hypothyroidism.

SO AM I FIT FOR THE COVERAGE? hmmpppphhh.... so troublesome!

REPETITION

I think we all been through all sorts of lessons. But what really matter here is: have we learned it? I come to realize that things actually repeat itself from time to time and the scenario keeps looping itself in order for us to be aware of its existence, which I believe means something need our attention.

A friend of mine told me she'd came across the very same problem all through her relationship - THE MOM OF THE BOY SHE'S DATING DOESN'T LIKE HER.

Reasons vary, it ranges from "you are too smart for him", "you're too dumb for him" (excuse me?), or even "you love not him but his money" (this is pathetic!), but all lead to the same conclusion - YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE WITH MY SON (at least not while you're still breathing, I suppose).

Wow!

Only god knows what these mothers actually thinking. C'mon, I mean is it a crime to be smart (for as long as the intelligence isn't used against your son)? Or is it forbidden to be even not as smart as your son (hello, you are actually humiliating and/or despising people ler)? Love his money? Ya right, tell me how many gold mine does he own since you think it that way (you are just being typically cynical).

So I told this friend, "perhaps you should really look into the matter".

"Like how?"

"That's for you to find out if you want to make all these unreasonable mommy thing to go away. "

SLOWLY

Sometimes we get anxious about things pretty easily, especially it is something very interesting, e.g. fall in love. Oh c'mon who doesn't like to feel loved and having someone to lean on? Well the thing is one may feel a little withdrawn (although excited) if one has grown mushrooms for quite some time or just done experiencing a bad relationship.

Sometimes it even could be accepting the relationship too soon (The brain and the heart just not synchronized? YA, WHY NOT?). It feels very much like opening the "snake nut can" or "snake potato chips can" or "snake candy can" (whatever you call it for as long as it fits the concept of "sudden shock" when you open it, that'll do). And the person will go into sudden blank state of mind then followed with a full head of "I can't bear with it" thoughts.

This happens due to an inner reflection: eh, you've put your head ahead of your heart ler. And the heart is actually going through some kind of talk with the head (some kind of negotiation huh).

I call it the phase of transition. Pardon me coz I am a SNAKE and I do go through ecdysis, psstt... psstt...(the snake tongue thingy) - to tear down the old in order to put on the new one.

And this period is giving us the time and space to make adjustment. We'll be surprised how our brain actually build this self-defense mechanism by changing our hormones and thinking. And we'd amazed how the heart is actually preparing us by making the effort to shift that room in it to let this person fit in.

Whatever it is, this phase needs time and patience. Take a little time to talk to ourselves while going through this beautiful thing. Don't get scared away or hold back (unless that's not the right person).

Breathe, Remember?

Relax, you'll be fine.

Moving On

There's a saying "if you are standing on top of one hill looking at another hilltop and finding that place beautiful, the first and most important thing to do is to walk down from the one that you're setting your feet on".

This is very inspiring.

Often in our lives we wanted so many things, keen for different goals and achievements hoping to become really successful in all way round. But what have we got? We might have gained a little bit here and there, accumulating some kind of experience but we're never close to anything about being really good at anything. And then to realize: oh, well, guess I'll wait another life to do that.

Unless one is ok for being very fancy and not really aiming at mastering, otherwise concentration and focus is the key to achieving successful. Leave all the distractions behind. Look closely at the target and work on it. Don't regret because you just never know how far your potential is pushing you to.

I'm indeed feeling this flame inside me~

The Day of History

I am definitely not the politic person, but I do care about things and issues.

First it was May 08, 2008. Malaysia's election showed a new era - 4 previously BARISAN NASIONAL states were taken over by opposition party. Well I must say it is pretty impressive that people does know how to show their interest and faith as well as confidence in changing the old and faded look with that vote in hand. The country has been independent from British Colonial for 51 years and had never been into such phase of change. The state I am residing now is one of the daring states.

Then, it is today November 05, 2008 (well, to be precise it's 4th Nov 2008 in the States). Barack Obama won the Presidential election. For the first time in history, the race issue has break the barrier and the people of United States show the world - WE HAVE MARCHED OUT FROM THE OLD DAYS AND FACING THE NEW ERA!

I have never been to the States before, but the stories about how that country went through everything are definitely no stranger to anyone. I might not really understand how the Americans see their country and what's the face of the world in their eyes. But I do know that deep down inside, we all are the same - Every single person has their right to show their heart. And everyone knows: together we can make a difference.

The new day has come. Show the love and faith and hold one another's hands - we are the new world, a world without racism but only unity!

CONGRATULATIONS to all of the Americans, you've shown how big your ambition, tolerance, understanding and most of all, your heart!

Waiting

Attended a ex-collegemate's wedding dinner yesterday. They've been together since high school and she's even 2 years older than me. Guess how many years they've spent together before this big day? 15 years. I asked one of other ex-collegemate (who's one year younger than me) who attended the dinner with her husband and her 17-months old twins, "how long have you been together till today since you both met?"

I watched Ghost Whisperer after came back from the event. Coincedentally both Mel and Jim were on the similar topic, except they were talking about "having a baby". Mel said she's not ready to have a baby of her own, giving the excuse that she's still young and have plenty of time for that. Rick and his late wife Katie once stuck on the same matter too, until Katie crashed in an accident one day and all the "plenty of time" become none at once.

How long have I spent with him until today? What are we waiting to get married and to have our kids? We aren't waiting though, we are planning and moving accordingly. We aren't delaying anything, rather taking steady steps towards the goal.

Isn't life a never ending journey of exploration and realization? No rush and no delay. Baby steps are important, never take things for granted.

Caption: Waiting
(photo taken with my old mobile phone while waiting for him to pick me up at the hotel lobby)

Positively looking at things

Trauma and dilemma always make people feel down, and I am no exception from it too. But somehow I think quickly pick up the light is one way of chasing the shadow away. Not to say things immediately change, but at least the mood part can be saved. We will pull ourselves up faster once we aren't feeling continue drowning and drowning. So I guess I am looking for sun lately, not the type that burn and melt us down (at the mid day or 3 in the afternoon) but the energy and heat that keep my heart warm so that I can pull it through the dark and cold times.

Here, I brought light into the dark and shine the wet away.

(click on the photo to see the rest)

What a weekend

Had some fun by waking up 7am and play some jokes while capturing the energetic rising sun.

Cindy

Marvin

Haha, aren't they lovely?

To spend an evening with mom

Wanted to ask her out for dinner but she insisted on staying in. It's her birthday and dad's not in, what an eldest child of the house gotta do with it? I COOK.

At least that's all I can think of.

Made this simple meal. No big deal, but having to dine together on this special day is a bless. Garlic toast, mushroom cream, meat ball pasta and some Shiraz. She wore that lovely smiles on her face while eating.

And I have my smile right at the bottom of my heart.

Well, mission accomplished!

Doris is a Doris

This test is pretty interesting.
It has 2 questions only.
Answer them honestly and it'll tell you what's your name based on the choices you make.
Turns out I am a Doris.
So let's say my name suits me well.

=======

You Are a Doris!

You are a Doris -- " I must help others."
Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

* Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
* Share fun times with me.
* Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
* Let me know that I am important and special to you.
* Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

* Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
* Reassure me often that you love me.
* Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Doris

* being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
* knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
* being generous, caring, and warm
* being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
* being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Doris

* not being able to say no
* having low self-esteem
* feeling drained from overdoing for others
* not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
* criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
* being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
* working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Dorises as Children Often

* are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
* try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
* are outwardly compliant
* are popular or try to be popular with other children
* act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
* are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Dorises), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Dorises)

Dorises as Parents

* are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
* are often playful with their children
* wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
* can become fiercely protective

==========

Interested in the quiz? Try it out: HELLOQUIZZY

Home made meat porridge

There are different types of porridge. One is like rice in the soup, another is like cream soup where the grains are all cooked and melted, and one more is like this one - a bit sticky.

My mom used to call the third type TeowChew porridge.

Minced pork and diced carrot cooked in porridge and garnish with spring onions and fried garlic oil. The weather's been bad, and many people fall sick. I am not feeling very well too, so I make this nutritious meal to recharge my body hoping it to gain the antibody against the flu bugs.


This is my work. Want some?

It's the end of the year

Year end's approaching. It could mean another new beginning isn't very far away; or to some people it brings a huge thing - SHOPPING!

Ahh.....don't worry, I'm not that shopping kaki, although I'd enjoy spending too if I can. so this post isn't about the big bags of hunting.

It isn't my purpose here today.

October is finishing, a good friend is planning to pay me a visit during the mid of next month and another buddy that we always call each other FUCK (it means "friend you can keep") will come see me in December.

Now, people come and go isn't a big deal. It's a flow, which we call "natural". The thing is how we actually cherish the time we have together? Friendship grows over time, having "tolerance, respect, understanding" as the very key ingredients, and we preserve it with the warmth of our heart and faith.

Happy happy!

Being in charge but not the visible leader

"Behind every successful person is a successful assistant. You don't have to be the group leader to be in charge, especially if the group leader is looking to you for answers. It's a variation on many themes."

Hmm, this is interesting...

Goal driven and focus

Me and him had a talk this morning. We were talking about PERFORMING ON STAGE. Yep, that's what we like to do and how we met each other. Dance is in his blood, just like drama is to mine. It is our another way of talking to one another - movements relate us. There is no doubt we love that place where lime light help make our effort visible to audience. We love how we put forward our effort throughout the rehearsals and practice, and gain that contentment and recognition.

However, the focus shifted. It isn't so that our interest's changed, rather there're other stuff come up and become a bigger picture. Let's say that place isn't going to give us a living, thus we need to make our own path. We've made the choice and making the attempt to work along the way to get where we intend to be.

By all means, we cannot afford to get distracted. We know deep down our heart the passion for performing arts is residing and shall never fade, but we are now shaping our life by dedicating ourselves into building our future. We do keep that piece of us alive, except we are now paying attention on something that will help and allow us to come back to it later.

Where the heart rests

Sometimes, when one have worked very far to reach goals and achieve dreams, will always feel the need to have one end to be anchored down in order to feel safe. Most of the time, support and energy come from here. Although there are times when disagreement will make one another slam the door or even shed tears, but they always remain at the very special place in our heart. A place that we know no one else will ever take over.

They are, family.

I might have been very defiant, but still there is no place like home.

from left: Joie, myself, Marvin (younger brother), John (youngest brother), mom & dad, taken on 4th Oct 2008

Head ran blank

I knew I have something to say, because I had this very very short memory in my mind that keeps telling me, "write in my blog about it". But weirdest thing is when I sat down and preparing myself for the writing, the brain gone blank.

"What was I trying to write?"

I can't really remember already.

Age catching up? PLEASE DON'T!

==========

Anyway, just write something.
Anything.

Maybe "Ghost Whisperer".
I am only following the episodes in Season 2 when everyone in the States is chasing the forth season (SLOW ME). Well, it's ok. It's got to be enjoyable if one would to really go into series .

So I am here to announce that I've never watch SEX & THE CITY (so what?), have accidentally seen DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES on AXN (or something) when I was jumping between channels on the tv. Not to mention CSI (or the series of different CSI), 24 and bla bla bla (how can I follow everything? I'm so not the tv type of person).

(gone too far, am suppose to talk about Ghost Whisperer). So this sentimental yet interesting series (produced by the lead actress - Jennifer Love Hewitt) really is something. Although not much of twists and turns like HEROES (which I am following really up-to-date), it has it's own beauty - spared quite some room for me to really see things from a different perspective. Unlike the scary tales, every spirit have some real lesson to learn (so do we) through the life one has on earth. Unfinished business isn't all about accomplishing business only (ignore me if too complicated it sounds). Take a moment and really listen to one another. You'd be surprise how you've lived your life so centred and forgot about people around.



==========

I'll come back once I remember what I was so keen to tell.

Food

Make it simple: food lover (which happens to be me) just had a great dinner - DUMPLING!

I love dumpling? Well, basically I love food so I love anything if it's nice (please, this exclude something no so common i.e. scorpion, lizard etc). Chinese food is full of excitement. You can one day have rice (with many many many types of dishes), another day of noodles (with different different types of soup or ways of cooking it), or simply eat dumplings (like I did)!





Looks nice? Photo captured by Joie. Wonder where to get this? Answer: My house. YEP, I made these!!! (c'mon let me hear a round of applause......tink you....tink you)